Beach House Floor Plans

Episode Five opens with Kathryn Ireland having lost control of Truly Horrible Person Shannon Factor’s Malibu beach house project. What began as a quick freshening-up has turned into a major renovation. Control freak Shannon has given the reins to her “architect” brother-in-law, who is not communicating with Kathryn. While reviewing Shannon’s latest psycho email, Kathryn complains to her spiritual guru Jacqueline about the nonsense. The doorbell rings and headbanded yogi Jacqueline (↑) answers a door bedecked with cowbells and a beaded necklace—Kathryn enjoys playing mindgames with the UPS man.

Carol, the design coordinator, has arrived and the phrase “pull the permits” is bandied about no less than fourteen times. As Kathryn readies herself for a meeting with Shannon, Jacqueline appears sporting a crocheted ace bandage on her head. Somewhere in the South of France, a cloister of legally blind nuns knits furiously, preparing a package of hair accessories destined for Los Angeles. The two engage in philosophical discourse:

Realizing she has been tossed from the driver’s seat, Shannon turns to her assistant and hisses with gritted teeth “This is a circus! I am getting REALLY FRUSTRATED.” Kathryn arranges the services of her own trusted architect. Shannon, no longer in control of the situation, furiously taps a pencil against her body until angry red welts rise. As Kathryn prepares to leave, Shannon smiles frostily and says,“If you weren’t so charming and fabulous, I would totally strangle you.” As they hug, Shannon pats Kathryn down, searching for the perfect spot to stick a shiv and then thinks better of it. Kathryn phones ADT on the way home and requests an upgrade of her home security system.